Chapter 22 happy tidings
“Oyh! Get off my lawn ya dirty hippie!” Shouted Niall, followed by a very distinct sound from the tablet. Groggily I shook my head clearing out the fog from my head. By now I was soaked to the bone by water.
“Would you kindly stop mangling quotes from media sources I’ve never even heard about?”
“Never, I have to use all this useless trivia in my head for something after all, it’s not like they will age badly.”
“Stick a sock in it, preferably one that has been worn for a month in a row, the kind that reeks of death and is glowing green.
“Such a vivid description. Anyhow I’ve chatted some more with the walking slab of man meat.” He assumed a thoughtful pose, resting his hand on the chin. “We’ve got to find our own way around, since any commercial travel is down, but you already know this. However we still have to get over to the palace and I’m running out of good ideas on how to get there.” That was a fair point though and Jennyfer was also on board with the idea, since she booted up the ramshackle mapping software.
“We got lucky mortals, incredibly lucky, but that alone ain’t enough to get us through this broken mess of a world. The x Mark’s the spot we’re at.” She drew a line to another spot. “This is where we have been.” She followed it up with circling another spot. “This area has potential, however since I have no satellite image to go by and this tourist map is kind of useless.”
“Err, you are probably right, the only thing I know of over there is a hydro powerplant.” I replied.
“I suggest we head over there then. We might not find anything there, but the view might be excellent.” Said Niall, pointing theatrically forward, with Kine looking up at him starry eyed at his dramatic proclamation. Before he could move she pounced onto his back knocking him over. White they kept doing their thing, I decided to address the fairy instead.
“While the horny vixen is busy over there, should we prepare some food? I am famished.”
“I’ve seen bunnies less subtle than her. I was going to suggest they get a room, then I realized I can’t get away from the noise, nor the smell. Personally I find the whole mating ritual quite boring.” She droned on, and on about the human mating ritual, while she pulled out various tins of foodstuff. “Today’s special is a very special recipe said to feed over five thousand people.”
“Over five thousand? What kind of meal can do that?”
“Two breads and five small fish.”
“That is utter nonsense.”said
“You dare to question this very holy book, written by a bunch of biased humans?”
“Yes! Just because it is written by an ancient civilization lost to the lore of history. I firmly believe people many centuries ago had no clue about anything.”
“Congratulations. You now have more insight into why I loathe homo sapiens. The love to believe in invisible and sky daddies of immeasurable power.”
“There is some truth to the existence of invisible beings though.”
“Nonsense!”
“You keep forgetting that you are by definition an invisible being, that is interfering with the lives of humans, like the tales of the bogeyman living under the bed.”
“Valid point, even if it is not the same. I suppose we could cook some rice, a couple of dry fish, and mix it with some sauce. I need you to set up the camping equipment though.”
She brought forth the various utensils needed and dried fish from the same pocket space canister. While she was busy I ferreted away one of those convenient canisters. The meal itself was a simple affair to prepare. Most of the stuff was prepared. Though I am not quite sure if this fish is edible, I have never seen this species before. “Is this fish supposed to have three eyes and legs?”
“Certainly, it is a perfect example of an unconventional mutation, most likely caused by radiation.”
“That makes absolutely no sense, and are you sure it is safe?”
“I’m sure the fish said the same, and yes it is perfectly good to eat as it is. Now add a bit of rice and fill the container with water, then use fire to ignite the burner.” The gas powered device began to burn at a steady pace. The portable cooking kit let lose a pleasant smelling aroma. “Now servant, you’ll have to prepare the pan. It is time to test out this portable induction top.”
“Induction?”
“Yes, it is a very fast and efficient apparatus for heating up pans, I’ve been meaning to test it out. It just took a fair bit of time to set up the system and connect it to my portable power source.”
“This weird generator of yours is not going to blow up, is it?”
“No, my equipment is ninety five percent safe.”
“With your high and mighty attitude, I am simply shocked that you are not using my August self as a description.”
“My august self, I like the sound of that one.”
“Did you just open a dictionary?”
“Nonsense, only a pheasant such as yourself is in need of a thesaurus.”
“Hey, who are you calling a bird?”
“Peasant, pheasant, you’re all birds of a feather to me.”
I chose to ignore her and instead kept watching the kettle cooking rice.
A thing I noticed about the shameless couple, was how quiet the whole affair is, when one of the participants is silent. It does make the whole seance less interrupting, it is also slightly disturbing.
“I have been thinking Jennyfer.”
“Okay?”
“The silence of the Wights are deafening.”
“Captain obvious has struck again.”
“If we could fix whatever makes them mute, it would be easier to avoid the wild encounters.”
“That would be useful indeed. If I could find out what wavelength we’re dealing with I could probably block the signal. If that is how it works, it’s not something I even have a passing familiarity with.”
“I Thought you were going to install a steel plate in her skull.”
“Excellent idea, but grafting is an external procedure. If she wanted a tentacle, that’s another story entirely.”
“Heh,I wonder if Niall would be into that.”
“Jeeze! Thank you for that mental imagery.”
“You are welcome.”
My belly growled loudly at the enticing smell of fresh food. The pesky fairly brought out several plates to put the rice onto. Kine had clearly noticed that it was dinner time as well. I never thought a naked fox could be so fast at snatching food out of my hands.
“Fine, enjoy my dry three eyed mutant kipper.” I bellowed after her. My hunger won over my need to chastise her for rude behavior. There was more than enough rice and vegetables to go around. As we began eating, Niall slowly hobbled over to our location, dropped his clothes onto the damp ground and plopped down in front of his prepared plate. Jennyfer pulled out a fuzzy brown blanket. With a silent nod he took it around his shoulders.
“I wonder about you Niall, how can you keep it up all the time?”
“I’ve been wondering that myself, I guess it comes down to Kine being a ball of energy and instincts doing most of the job.”
“She certainly has a lot of stamina and no shame.”
“Yup, it’s not such a bad thing though, but I do wonder if the one sacrificed to make her was a horny teenager.”
“Probably. I might be the one who triggered the ritual, but I have never been that horny, nor have I had any noticeable magic reserves.”
“Heh, someone must really be hating the dean, or a prissy honor student.”
“You mean one of those controlling pricks that think they are better than anyone else and the Queens gift to women?”
“It’s only a theory though.” He paused to take a bite, while the fairy interjected with her opinion.
“If that is true, does that mean the blob we ran away from is a congealed mass of colorful tourists on tour?” To that I had no reply and the whole conversation died down for a while.
After finishing up everything, we squeezed onto the cramped hover board, before skimming down the hill at harrowing speeds. I held on for my dare life. Jennyfer sat on his lap and shouted out directions, he somehow managed to react to in a timely matter. I felt tears running down my face due to the wind buffeting my face. I should have asked for a face shield, then again hindsight is twenty twenty. While I found the experience uncomfortable and it made me feel miserable, at least I was not walking on foot. My poor, poor, feet, I could feel blisters appearing just by thinking about them. I wonder if they have a miracle cure for that. The landscape smoothed out and became a lot more well kept. Next to the tranquil road laid a huge lake, a reservoir of water that came out from a ridiculously huge pipe. Niall was quick to bring the board to a complete stop, a welcome relief after at least two hours of continuous travelling. It could be more time though, it is not like I carry a time piece. Even if I had one it would most likely be molten slag by now. Since I keep going into combat I expect a generic clock to be about as durable as tissue paper. My clothes can attest to that and I sport
the distinct homeless bum look.
The lakefront spread out for miles into the distance, now that I was standing still it was a lot more easy to take in the wonderful view. Weeping willows swayed quietly in the wind, next to the sandy beach. The weather was a lot more pleasant around these parts and I was feeling quite miserable and sweaty. A very annoying thought reared its ugly head.
“You know, we could probably have borrowed an employee shower at the last installation .”
Niall looked at me like I had stolen his ice cream.
“Mother of a mangonel!” He began screaming profanities, ran over to a nearby tree and punched it hard. But a tree is a sturdy being and all he got for his effort was bloody knuckles, followed by a string of obscene and obscure profanities. This went on for a good while until he undressed and jumped into the lake followed by Kine and the fairy. I decided to rest in the shade of a tree instead. A fair bit into the distance stood a long stone structure. That had to be the dam in question. While there might not be a way to get over to the next shard around here. Going over there would not hurt at all. There might even be a cafe over there, I can only assume it is a spot with a very nice view. Then again most places we have visited look way too nice, aside from the few scenes of wanton destruction and places without life as I know it.
“Fire, fire! Someone start a fire!” Niall shouted through clacking teeth, as he emerged from the lagoon like a bogman.
Jennyfer threw a fuzzy man sized towel over his shoulders. “You are such a big blue baby!” Replied the fairy. The weather was stable and sunny, however that did not mean it was particularly warm in the water. Maybe it is better to just jump into the lake like a champ, instead of testing with the toe first. A thought occurred to me and I just had to ask Niall a very pertinent question.
“Are you sure this is sanitary though? What if this giant reservoir is also drinking water?”
“It’s not like I peed in the pool, besides I’m sure the Queendom is using magic to sanitize the water after all. One thing I have noticed is that people are in remarkably good health and I’ve yet to see someone suffering from the common cold, even the old people are surprisingly spry.”
“Naturally, my Queen designed the world and all of us are born without any noticeable genetic abnormalities, that also included the elimination of the flu virus that plagued the annals of human history.”
“Impressive, however we should probably get going.”
“Sounds good to me, we might even find a tourist trap over there.”
And thus we ventured on for quite some time.
https://streamlabs.com/zaceron/tip
Njål Signing out
Shard World 